TwinkSelfie (not pictured, his real name, or Scruff profile) wanted to know the kind of guys I’m interested in. He’d been interrupting me throughout the day with explicit sexual flirtations and innumerable “kewls” for every response I gave him. His private image gallery is well stocked with photos that are not safe for any work or play environment, and he boasts a sexual prowess that would leave anyone in need of titanic doses of Gatorade and intravenous fluids afterwards.
After exhausting all the typical threads online chats are known for (age, sex, location, length, girth, role, position, Tumblr subscriptions, and favorite cookie recipe), and realizing he was getting nowhere with me, the persistent little Scruffer wanted to know what this “older” man looks for in other men, and what turned me on. (“I like old men; they have more XXXperience” said he.)
Never shy to give anyone a piece of my mind, I gave him the short list of what I admire most in men, and what I find myself attracted to:
- Complete sentences. It’s nice to know what others think, instead of piecing together fragments that leave me filling in the blanks. And if they know how to spell correctly, well that’s a turn on.
- A good kisser. A kiss is just a kiss, but a good kisser hints at better things to come.
- A sense of humor. Make me laugh and I’m almost yours. Almost.
- A good conversationalist. A social art form that’s lost to many people. And text messages don’t count.
- A good cook. The way to a Taurus’ heart is through his palate.
- Irreverence. Please check your PC at the door. But leave the snark at home.
- Self-confidence. A more powerful aphrodisiac than oysters never existed.
- Depth. Read, write, paint, do something artistic or creative. Have a hobby for God’s sake. And Nintendo does not count as a hobby.
- A man who feels comfortable in his own skin.
- Staying power. If we’re going to date, I like to know that you’ll stick around and won’t bolt out the door when the next pretty face comes into town. Real-life intrudes, and things aren’t always romantic, or perfect. Yes, relationships are disposable these days. But men with staying power are rare and hard to find.
TwinkSelfie was not satisfied. He wanted specifics. He wanted to know the body type, hair color, weight, height, and role that arouses me. I rolled my eyes and checked my hypothalamus for the fifteenth time during the chat and told him the truth.
I like men. Period. I like men and don’t discriminate for things other men don’t have control over. Why limit your palette? When one grows to be as old as I am, one realizes that Baskin Robbins had the right idea by coming up with different flavors. It’s the same thing with men.
Blondes are fun. Brunettes tend to last a few weeks longer. Bald men are usually tender and sweet. Goatees add an extra feeling when they rub against you. Tall is comforting when spooning. Shorter is frisky. Leather is sexy. Preppy is comfortable. Hair is masculine. Shaved tends to be stubbly when it grows back leaving a sexy burn. Muscle is pretty to look at, but a blurry edge around the waist gives one something to bite or grab on to.
When the lights go down, it’s all about technique. Any frantic tumble is usually followed by shy good-byes and empty promises which shouldn’t be taken seriously at the time. If a certain performance is good, encores are desirable, but every show has its run, and after a while something better always comes to town. The ones who are worth keeping, have a way of staying around in repertoire. I prefer consistency. I’m weird that way.
TwinkSelfie didn’t respond to my answer for a long time. He must have been busy, driving, or found someone closer to his age with his same meter reading for horniness.
Perhaps my list was not erotic enough. He might have gotten entangled in other conversations with chatters closer to his age. When I told him I was going to sign off and go to bed, it took him a while to get back to me. His last word? Kewl.
That’s when I hit the Block button.