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If I had a type

TwinkSelfie wanted to know the kind of guys I’m interested in. Never shy to give anyone a piece of my mind, I gave him the list of what I admire most in men.

TwinkSelfie (not pictured, his real name, or Scruff profile) wanted to know the kind of guys I’m interested in. He’d been interrupting me throughout the day with explicit sexual flirtations and innumerable “kewls” for every response I gave him. His private image gallery is well stocked with photos that are not safe for any work or play environment, and he boasts a sexual prowess that would leave anyone in need of titanic doses of Gatorade and intravenous fluids afterwards.

After exhausting all the typical threads online chats are known for (age, sex, location, length, girth, role, position, Tumblr subscriptions, and favorite cookie recipe), and realizing he was getting nowhere with me, the persistent little Scruffer wanted to know what this “older” man looks for in other men, and what turned me on. (“I like old men; they have more XXXperience” said he.)

Never shy to give anyone a piece of my mind, I gave him the short list of what I admire most in men, and what I find myself attracted to:

  1. Complete sentences. It’s nice to know what others think, instead of piecing together fragments that leave me filling in the blanks. And if they know how to spell correctly, well that’s a turn on.
  2. A good kisser. A kiss is just a kiss, but a good kisser hints at better things to come.
  3. A sense of humor. Make me laugh and I’m almost yours. Almost.
  4. A good conversationalist. A social art form that’s lost to many people. And text messages don’t count.
  5. A good cook. The way to a Taurus’ heart is through his palate.
  6. Irreverence. Please check your PC at the door. But leave the snark at home.
  7. Self-confidence. A more powerful aphrodisiac than oysters never existed.
  8. Depth. Read, write, paint, do something artistic or creative. Have a hobby for God’s sake. And Nintendo does not count as a hobby.
  9. A man who feels comfortable in his own skin.
  10. Staying power. If we’re going to date, I like to know that you’ll stick around and won’t bolt out the door when the next pretty face comes into town. Real-life intrudes, and things aren’t always romantic, or perfect. Yes, relationships are disposable these days. But men with staying power are rare and hard to find.

TwinkSelfie was not satisfied. He wanted specifics. He wanted to know the body type, hair color, weight, height, and role that arouses me. I rolled my eyes and checked my hypothalamus for the fifteenth time during the chat and told him the truth.

I like men. Period. I like men and don’t discriminate for things other men don’t have control over. Why limit your palette? When one grows to be as old as I am, one realizes that Baskin Robbins had the right idea by coming up with different flavors. It’s the same thing with men.

Blondes are fun. Brunettes tend to last a few weeks longer. Bald men are usually tender and sweet. Goatees add an extra feeling when they rub against you. Tall is comforting when spooning. Shorter is frisky. Leather is sexy. Preppy is comfortable. Hair is masculine. Shaved tends to be stubbly when it grows back leaving a sexy burn. Muscle is pretty to look at, but a blurry edge around the waist gives one something to bite or grab on to.

When the lights go down, it’s all about technique. Any frantic tumble is usually followed by shy good-byes and empty promises which shouldn’t be taken seriously at the time. If a certain performance is good, encores are desirable, but every show has its run, and after a while something better always comes to town. The ones who are worth keeping, have a way of staying around in repertoire. I prefer consistency. I’m weird that way.

TwinkSelfie didn’t respond to my answer for a long time. He must have been busy, driving, or found someone closer to his age with his same meter reading for horniness.

Perhaps my list was not erotic enough. He might have gotten entangled in other conversations with chatters closer to his age. When I told him I was going to sign off and go to bed, it took him a while to get back to me. His last word? Kewl.

That’s when I hit the Block button.

About the author Walter

Walter lives and works in and around South Florida. When not practicing or studying acupuncture, you can find him at one of Miami’s beaches, or in a coffee shop lost in the pages of a good book. Walter enjoys diverse interests such as reading Tarot, practicing Qi Gong and Tai Chi, learning Buddhist dharma, practicing shamanic healing, writing for his blogs, reading Oriental philosophy, traveling to new places and old favorites, exploring contemplative photography with his iPhone, sitting quietly in meditation, practicing healthy fitness, and promoting wellbeing.

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9 Comments

  1. Good taste. Just my opinion!
    Jean-Paul
    itsmyhusbandandme.wordpress.com

  2. Incredibly cleverly constructed post along with relevant pictures. Bravo, sir. Now I could not help but notice as I read through your list of qualifications that you have essentially described me, in addition to what I consider my requirements in a man. Maybe not 100% but very close. We have the same taste, and that’s why I spent my younger years attracted to older men, because they had the maturity, depth, polish, sexual technique and intelligence (I always found brains sexy) that I dreamed of.

    I found him at last many years past my youth but the wait was unquestionably worth it, but that’s another story. I do hope you find yours.

    1. Thanks Will. It was a fun post to write, and your comment lifted my spirits. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Thank you, my friend.

  3. Okay, so you’re telling me the visuals don’t affect your judgement at all? I have a few friends like this and I’m still struggling to believe it! When you list all the body-types, you idealise them. I do however agree 100% with your ‘turn ons’ and love the article… But you must be a little shallow? Isn’t in our DNA or something? Looking forward to your next piece!! 😁😍😍

    1. James,

      First off, thanks for reading. It’s good to know someone is paying attention and reading my blog. For me, writing this blog is a labor of love, and I appreciate it when someone takes the time to read what I share.

      Second, thanks for writing. I love to hear from folk who read my blog and engage me in discussion. I love reading other folk’s comments (the good ones, mostly), and learning what they think. Thank you for taking the time.

      If by the visuals you’re referring to the images on social or hook up apps, then yes, of course I am swayed by some of them. Not all of them, but some. Some men in the photos are handsome, some are provocative, some are sexy, some are totally my type. Once I open a conversation, or try to engage them in banter, it’s a different story. Most ignore me. Some guys can’t even converse. And any one who opens a chat with “Sup,” “Where at,” “Hung,” or uncapitalized first person pronoun is ignored. My rules, and no one else’s. Even pretty faces get blocked or ignored at times.

      If you’re referring to the links on the post…. Ah, yes, the links. Don’t take them so seriously. They’re mostly a manifestation of my sense of humor which most people don’t usually get until after they’ve spend some time getting to know me. In other words, they are not to be taken literally. They’re more like the punch line to a joke that more often than not falls flat.

      The links are more tongue-in-cheek than serious expansions on the post. They’re like Easter eggs you find in an app or game than an actual commentary on the posts. The links, also, are an extra item I throw into the posts for fun (mostly mine, and in some cases someone reading the post). Sometimes they link to articles I find interesting online, or ridiculous bits of news I stumble upon on the Web. Sometimes they add to the post, but more often than not, they are red herrings: distractions I throw in just for fun.

      So, are men in the links the type I gravitated towards? No. Not really. And not in real life.

      I’m more likely to be and feel attracted to someone who calls me on something I do, and has something smart, clever, and wise to say about it than a pretty face or a ripped body. But I don’t discriminate against the latter either. I’m drawn to brains (and brawn certainly), but the men whose company I enjoy are the kind of men who write clever, insightful pieces in the blogs I follow. To give you an idea of the the kind of men I’m attracted to, I invite you to click on the sidebar menu, scroll down to the list of Required Reading blogs, and dive into the blogs I like to read. That’s really what I enjoy and what I hope to find one day. Got it? 😉

      Have a great weekend, and I hope you keep reading. I look forward to reading your blog and learning about you as well. Cheers!

  4. A humorous well constructed piece with a tongue in cheek flavor. Well done.

    1. Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.

  5. Oh what a nice list. Sort of like a queer Mary Poppins song when they are writing a letter for the perfect nanny. Fun reading this,

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